I've kept three, and miscarried one

Motherhood is a ride that will give you all the human experiences. Terror, joy, fury, laughter, despair, and the oceans-deep kind of LOVE that cracks open when you feel your body give birth to another version of you.

I've resisted a lot of what comes along with motherhood. But learned a lot of my consistency from my own mother. Pregnancy felt awful most of time. I didn't bond well with the babies at birth. I felt shame for not being able to give birth naturally and needing three c-sections. I hated the mess that was always around the house. I felt uncertain of what to do about 90% of the time. I wanted to homeschool, and then nearly died inside when I did it, and then felt ashamed for that. The list goes on.

But somewhere in all the crying (either me or the babies), infinite piles of laundry, loss of self, constant mess all over the floors, constant questioning, having to repeat everything I say 12.5 times... I begin to realize that this was part of my spiritual growth path.

*I learned that carrying a new life into this realm is a deep honor. The physical discomfort of pregnancy mirrors the level of internal resistance we have to change and puts us in tune with how to stretch ourselves.

*I learned that not bonding at birth is a continued reflection of that resistance. Un-conditioned love for myself and the process would make for easy bonding.

*I learned that it's possible to hold deep shame for illogical reasons. My husband gave my daughters broad shoulders and there was no physical way for me with my dimension to give birth to them naturally. I need c-sections. And then I shamed myself for needing them, feeling like less of a mother. Ha! A lot of us are doing that for various reasons. It's time to stop choosing that path.

*I learned that messiness is where the creative process happens. A child's mess is a reflection of their exploration in a new world. It's a beautiful thing.

*I learned that it's in the space of uncertainty that we find a way to move inside ourselves, down deep, and find the answers that were already waiting there ready. I already actually knew inside what I needed to know, and being a mother gave me a path to realize that. These are grown, mature Spirits that have come here in these little bodies to teach me in deeper levels how to let go of what's not important, and pursue what really is important. And my job is to help them to see themselves in the fullness of who they truly are. It really is a miraculous, stretching relationship. Motherhood. It's a wild, spiritual journey. The most epic kind of love. Thank you Kenneth for giving me the opportunity! Thank you my daughters for teaching me!

*Photo cred Davonte Anderson and Drip in Grace, Orlando, FL